i pressed the letters. one after another. ...f, g, h, i, j, s, o ...p, ...the phrases scrolling, revealing. my heart pounding out its rhythm and echoing in my ears so that i could barely even hear my breathing. but that could also have been because my breath was short, i was forgetting to breathe. i feel it now while i'm typing this. all over again. the sinking, constricting physical pain in the center of my chest. i'm under water.

i don't know how to feel. ....violation. offense against..everything. intrusion upon a white surface. one thing after another. i'm trying to forget it...which means i get 30 seconds every 10 minutes where it leaves my mind. i just sit in silence, ready to throw up. i don't know how to pretend. i see myself blowing up: grabbing the remote, shattering something, ripping, throwing. hide your computer from me. i'm nearly crying but i'm too upset for it. i think..what i feel....is a type of.... rage. hmm..interesting. but true...yes, rage. not particularly at you. but at it. and at me, and the scale..and the mirror. and i can't stop the "i don't measure up" feelings. not like i could before...but i made so many constructions for myself...convinced myself of things. my well being depended on those constructions, those self-made "truths" and now they are ...tainted. so the other part of what i feel is...lost. not sure what to think of myself or the surrounding area.

my blood is boiling, i know i'm spoiling your day. this black is covering me i thought i was beginning to come out of this place but now here i am again. locked in by socially accepted sins. but maybe the problem is something in me wants to be your only sin, wants to own what no one else has. wants to own it all. and percentages of your thoughts have slipped though my fingers and they are screaming from the floor where i stare at my feet as i walk by myself and i don't want to be seen, DO NOT LOOK AT ME. there is nothing here to interest you enough and my face belongs tilted toward the direction of my day because i'll need something to control.

more than yesterday|less than tomorrow