why does my body have to be so freaking out of proportion....why is it that everytime i put a single bite of food in my mouth do i feel my thighs growing to horrible sizes. why do i look in the mirror and hope that its been bent...that what i'm seeing isn't really there. and how the hell am i going to be in my wedding dress by the end of the summer. i don't know how to look how i want to look. how i think i used to look. i feel dizzy when i look in the mirror...like i'm going to throw up. i measure again again and its always the same numbers but i keep looking different...bigger...less toned. "well you're not toned, so what" so what...easy for someone else to say. especially easy for a guy to say...they say im "cute" and "pretty" and i want to puke up my lunch all over their shoes because i know that i'm being compared to the glossy worn out pages of god knows which magazine, or the glowing images on a computer screen...or just the other girls walking down the street. i can't take it...i'm on over load with it. it consumes me. its all i think about: if i sit this way will i look thinner? can i tuck extra skin under my thighs so he can't see it? man i can barely breath im sucking my gut in so much. and its not just around people...it's alone, in my room..when i can barely stand to look down at my growing stomach...or feel the jiggling with every step i take and i just want to take scissors to my body because i hate it so much...and then he'll pinch at my skin to be funny and i feel like i'm going to break down into tears because all the tucking and the sucking didn't save me from the notice of what's wrong with me rather than something fat can't change...like, my eyes, or my teeth. something..notice something else... mainly i just want to stop being looked at.
more than yesterday|less than tomorrow
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